if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
