It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
