I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
