Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
