I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
