it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Randomize
