I wanna bring you to show and tell
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
