So drunk its hurt
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
he fucked my hip out of place.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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