I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
