I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
