When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
