Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
