im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
