Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
