im drinking this country out of the recession.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
