I don't usually arrange sex via text message
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Randomize
