any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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