she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
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Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
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Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
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