dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
