Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
