dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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