you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
