The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
