my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
