Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
