I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
