Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
