Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
