the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
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I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
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"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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