Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
