you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
