i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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