1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
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I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
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I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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