did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm way too hungover for life right now
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
