Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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