The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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