Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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