final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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