I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
