I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
