i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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