I wish my penis had an off switch
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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