I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
