you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
