Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
