I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
