Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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