you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You had me at "let me see your balls"
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
