If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
