the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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