No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
