Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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