I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
